


I Can See (Even Without You In Front Of Me)

by a_blue_secret



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: BEOMGYU IS ALREADY DEAD BEFORE THIS AU EVEN STARTS, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Kang Taehyun-Centric, M/M, Mental Illness, Minor Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Sad with a Happy Ending, Schizophrenia, taegyu are fiances, yeonbin are married but it doesn't really affect the story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28823382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_blue_secret/pseuds/a_blue_secret
Summary: “Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”“Ex-fiance, since he’s dead,” Yeonjun muttered: not bitterly, just in a matter-of-fact way. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Taehyun, do you think Beomgyu may just be, you know, part of your… hallucinations?”Or an au in which Taehyun hallucinates that Beomgyu is still with him, in order to cope with the pain.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	I Can See (Even Without You In Front Of Me)

**Author's Note:**

> title from the lyrics of Nap of a Star by TXT
> 
> I'd just like to let you know that I have tried to portray schizophrenia in the most accurate way possible. If you have any problems with how I have described it, please just kindly inform me so that I can make sure to get it right if I write something like this again in the future :)

"Mr. Kang, I understand you were the fiance of Choi Beomgyu?”  
“I- yes, I am,” Taehyun answered the old man, slightly confused. The man’s gaze softened, and he patted Taehyun’s arm reassuringly.  
“Choi Beomgyu was a good man. Being here, at his funeral… it reminded me of what a wonderful person he was. I am glad I had the pleasure to teach him and know him, before his untimely passing. My condolences, sir.” The man bowed, smiling at Taehyun as he moved away. Taehyun shook his head, confused. Everyone kept on saying Beomgyu was gone. Gosh, that boy really had tricked so many people.

People passed by Taehyun, offering their condolences, smiling sympathetically. He smiled back, slightly confused, but took their condolences in his stride.

It was odd, really. Taehyun was sitting at home one minute, peacefully drinking a cup of tea, waiting for Beomgyu to come home, but then the next thing he knew he was standing in a black suit in church, everyone weeping over a mahogany box. He just didn't understand it. Nothing was making sense.

Taehyun frowned and rubbed his nose. It all started when that pesky police person turned up at his door one night.

\-----

Taehyun opened the door, smiling brightly at the person. "Oh hello! You're one of those…police dudes right?"  
"Yes, I-I am. Would you happen to be Kang Taehyun?"  
"That would be me. How do you do?"  
"I am doing, um, fine thank you very much. May I come in?"

\-----

"So you're telling me… Gyu is… what? He's 'passed on'?"  
The police officer nodded gravely. "Unfortunately so, sir. We are devastated that it had to happen this way. The other car driver has apologised profusely, says he'll pay whatever compensation you need. I know that you will be devastated by this news, as I understand he was your fiance and to have him go so suddenly-"  
Taehyun could only stand there as the officer's words washed over him.  
"-again, our deepest condolences, sir."  
Taehyun shook his head. "No. He's not gone."  
"I understand that it will be difficult for you to process this-"  
"No, you don't understand. He- he can't be gone!" Taehyun looked around, for any piece of evidence that Beomgyu was still alive. Suddenly, his face relaxed into a relieved smile. "You're being silly. He's not gone. He's standing right there!"  
"What?”

The officer looked to where Taehyun was pointing, confused. "W-Where?"  
Taehyun sighs. Honestly, were they blind? Beomgyu was right there. He could see him standing behind the officer, clear as day. He was going to say so, but then Beomgyu pressed a finger to his lips secretively. Taehyun widened his eyes with understanding. Ah, this must be a prank! They're pranking the officer!  
"N-nothing, officer," Taehyun said instead. "I- just my brain playing tricks on me."  
The police officer smiles sympathetically. They bow, and head for the door. "My condolences. I'm sure Beomgyu was a great man."  
Taehyun smiled and saw the officer out. Once he'd closed the door, he spun around, looking for Beomgyu.  
"Darling?" he called. "The police are gone now. You can come out." Beomgyu didn't answer him. Odd. Well, perhaps he was in a tricksy mood today. Taehyun shrugged. "Well, I'm going to bed now. You come up when you're ready." Turning away, he swore he heard Beomgyu's gleeful giggle come from behind him. He turned around, smiling at the sound.  
"Come on, Gyu," he laughed. "It's late. We should get to bed."

\-----

From that day onwards, people that Taehyun and Beomgyu knew would turn up at their doorstep, tear stains on their faces. They'd hand Taehyun gifts, draw him in for big hugs, and even burst into tears. Taehyun didn't quite understand what was going on, but judging from how their friends talked it seemed that Beomgyu had pulled a prank to make everyone believe he had passed away.

He accepted the gifts with a slight smile, rubbed their backs when they cried, and allowed himself to be drawn into hugs.

"We'll organise the funeral," Soobin had said tearfully, clutching Taehyun's hands tightly. "We promise to give him the most beautiful send-off. Don't you worry."  
Yeonjun had given him kisses on each cheek repeatedly. "Gyu meant so much to us as well. We can only imagine how hard it must be for you."  
"We're here for you," Hueningkai had promised. "I know you're probably putting on a brave front for us, but I promise you don't have to. We'll understand if you cry."

Seeing his friends so teary and distraught made Taehyun tear up a little too. Their obviously upset faces made him feel a little guilty about the prank Beomgyu had pulled, so he'd leaned forward confidentially and confessed.  
"Guys, it's a prank," he whispered. "Gyu-hyung is still alive. It's all a prank."  
His friends had looked at each other in an almost sad way.  
"Taehyun-ah," Yeonjun said gently. "Is this… is this how you've been trying to cope?"  
Taehyun blinked, confused. "What are you talking about? It is a prank. Beomgyu said so."  
Soobin sighed, and wrapped an arm around Taehyun. "It's okay, it's okay. We can't believe it either. There's nothing wrong with trying to imagine he's still here, Taehyun, but it's not healthy. We'll have to accept he's gone."  
Taehyun squirmed out of the hug. "No, you don't understand. It is really a prank. I can show you. Beomgyu?" He turned around and called for the elder, walking towards the bottom of the stairs in order for him to yell upstairs. "Darling? Come on, we need to prove to Binnie-hyung and the others that it's a prank. Beomgyu? Come on!”

Soobin walked up to Taehyun and attempted to wrap his arms around him again. "It's okay to be in denial, Taehyun."  
"He's just being temperamental," Taehyun explained. "I didn't give him a good morning kiss this morning, so he's grumpy." Taehyun frowned. "Although to be fair, he'd woken up before me and decided he wanted to play hide and seek. So it's not really my fault I didn't have time to give him a kiss."  
Soobin looked over at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, who had walked over to join them.  
"Babe, he's really in denial," Soobin said to Yeonjun. The eldest simply sighed.  
"Look, Taehyun. We'll organise the funeral. Heck, we'll pay for everything, even the gravestone. Okay? It's okay to cry over it. It's okay."

Taehyun looked at him, confused. They really didn't get it, huh? "... Sure. You can do that. But trust me, Gyu'll reveal it's a prank soon enough, so don't actually spend money."  
Hueningkai's eyes had welled up, and he suddenly snatched Taehyun out of Soobin's grip and pulled him into a big hug of his own.  
"It's okay to be scared, Taehyunie," Hueningkai whispered. "We'll be here for you."  
Taehyun didn't know what to say to that. He patted Hueningkai's back comfortingly, letting himself be hugged. "Thanks, Hyuka."  
Hueningkai leaned back, but kept his hands on Taehyun's shoulders, looking at him with wet eyes. He smiled through tears. "It'll be okay," he said, nodding as if to convince himself. "It'll be okay."

\-----

That all happened three weeks ago. Now, Taehyun was getting ready to go to church for a special service. Yeonjun had told him to wear all black and, from that piece of information, he gathered there was a funeral of some sort taking place.

"I just don't understand," Taehyun said conversationally as he fixed his black suit. "We're going to church, and we're wearing black. Who do you think died?"  
Beomgyu shrugged.  
"Maybe one of Kai's distant relatives? The ones in Hawaii somewhere?" Taehyun carried on. "Can’t be someone we know personally, because then I’d be more upset. Maybe he's bringing us along for moral support."  
Taehyun glanced at Beomgyu through the mirror. "Darling? Won't you get dressed?”  
Beomgyu stared blankly back at him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Taehyun sighed.  
"I'm not sure what I did wrong this time, hyung." He turned around, but Beomgyu had disappeared again. Taehyun frowned. “How do you keep doing that?” he asked, turning around in circles. “Gyu? Beomgyu, darling please, we need to go soon.”

Suddenly, Beomgyu was standing right next to him. Taehyun jumped, and Beomgyu stifled a giggle from behind his hand. Taehyun rolled his eyes, smiling.  
“Come on, you,” he said. Then he frowned. “Aren’t you going to wear black?” He shrugged, face clearing. “Oh well. The invitation didn’t specify, so it’s okay. Let’s go then, eh?”

\-----

It was the aftermath of the service. Everyone had stayed in the church to have drinks and converse with others, reminiscing about the person who had died.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Taehyun said. "Beomgyu is not dead."  
Yeonjun set down his glass, turning to Taehyun with a serious expression. "Okay, stop it. This is getting serious now. We were literally just at his funeral service, and watched him being lowered into a grave. I don't know why you think he's still alive."  
"Because he is. Look, he's right there-"  
He’s not here! No, you look at me! The only part of him that’s here is his body, and that’s in a coffin!” Yeonjun lashed, finally losing his cool. "He's not here, okay? Stop!" He looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, trying to dispel the tears. Just as soon as he’d erupted, Yeonjun calmed himself as quickly. Taking a deep breath, he looked at Taehyun again, who was watching him carefully after the sudden outburst. "Tell me honestly, Taehyun. Do you really believe he's still alive? And think, actually think before you answer.”

To his credit, Taehyun really did stop and think. Did he believe Beomgyu was alive? Well, yes. He did. But… was there much evidence to show that he was alive? Other than his random appearances around the house, Taehyun wasn’t sure.

“I… I don’t know,” Taehyun said in a small, confused voice. “He has to be, right? Yeah, because he’s over there.” The apprehension cleared from his face when he saw Beomgyu waving from the other side of the garden. Yeonjun turned around, trying to spot what Taehyun was staring at. When he couldn’t find it, he turned back around to face the blond.  
“Taehyun, please. All jokes aside. Do you… can you actually see him?” Yeonjun asked seriously.

“What do you mean? Of course. I know my fiance anywhere.”  
“Ex-fiance, since he’s dead,” Yeonjun muttered: not bitterly, just in a matter-of-fact way. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Taehyun, do you think Beomgyu may just be, you know, part of your… hallucinations?”  
“What do you mean?” Taehyun scoffed. “I don’t hallucinate, hyung.”  
“But you think you can see him, can’t you? Even think you can hear him. One minute he’s there, but the next minute he’s disappeared. Right? That’s what has been happening, isn’t it?”  
“O-oh,” Taehyun faltered. Beomgyu had been doing that a lot recently, now that he thought about it. “He’s just really fast, you know that hyung,” Taehyun dismissed.

Yeonjun looked unconvinced. “Okay, when was the last time you actually touched him?”  
“That’s a silly question, not a day goes by where Beomgyu doesn’t…” Taehyun trailed off. When was the last time they’d actually had skin-to-skin contact? Taehyun can’t remember. “Anyway hyung, what’s your point?”  
“I did some research,” Yeonjun said solemnly, spotting Soobin and Hueningkai and waving them over. “Last time we visited you, and you kept saying you could see Beomgyu. I did some research and from what I found, and what you’ve told me just now, I think you might… you might…” Yeonjun struggled to form his next words. It was heartbreaking to think that one of his closest friends might be suffering from any sort of mental disorder. Soobin rubbed his back comfortingly, encouraging Yeonjun to carry on. “I think you might have… schizophrenia.”  
Taehyun stared at Yeonjun in horror and fear. “No, no no… I don’t. I’m not sick.”  
“We don't know for sure, though,” Soobin added, in an attempt to calm Taehyun down. “We’ll need to go to a doctor for them to properly diagnose you.”  
“I don't- I don't want to go to a doctor. I’m not sick, I swear!”  
“You don’t have to. I visited the doctor’s a few days ago, described your general behaviours… they said it’s likely that you are.” Yeonjun gulped nervously.

He hated seeing Taehyun look so fearful and stressed, and evidently Hueningkai did as well, for he attempted to hug Taehyun. “They said they’ll treat you, but you have to agree to the medication before they can help you.”  
Taehyun pushed Hueningkai off, shaking his head. “I’m not sick. I’m not.”  
“Hyunnie, please,” Hueningkai begged, holding onto Taehyun’s arms. “Think. You haven’t truly seen Beomgyu-hyung for weeks. Just random appearances of him, right? That’s because of the… the sickness. He’s not actually here. He hasn’t actually been here for about a month now. Please. Let the doctors treat you. We can’t… I can’t… afford to lose my best friend.”  
Taehyun’s eyes glazed over. He sat, silent, before suddenly snapping his gaze back to Hueningkai. “You’re saying… Beomgyu has actually died?”  
The younger boy nodded, eyes desperate. “Yes, and your hallucinations aren’t healthy so please-”  
“So it wasn’t a prank? He’s actually gone?”  
“I mean, yes, that’s why we had a funeral-”  
“And he’s left me? All alone?” Taehyun’s eyes welled up, as his gaze moved from Hueningkai’s face to the other side of the garden. Beomgyu was no longer there.  
“N-no, Taehyunnie, you still have us,” Hueningkai desperately tried to explain. “You're not alone. We can help you- oh my god!”

Taehyun’s knees had buckled, and he suddenly fell against Hueningkai. His eyes blinked shut, dark eyelashes lying in stark contrast to his paper-white face.  
“Hyungs, help,” Hueningkai whimpered to Yeonjun and Soobin, who had just been standing there in shock. Yeonjun immediately sprang into action.  
“Babe, lift up his legs,” he instructed. “If you do that, I can pick him up. Hueningkai, run to the car and open it. We’re going to have to take him home.”

\----

After his fainting at the funeral reception, Taehyun’s friends had taken to moving in with him for an extended amount of time.

“There’s no way we’re leaving you alone,” Soobin had stated firmly when Taehyun had tried to protest. “It’s not safe. No space? Come on, Taehyun, this house is ridiculously large, even when it was for you and Beomgyu. There’s enough space for the four of us to be here together. We’re not going to leave.”

And when Taehyun had asked why they were staying, Hueningkai had answered with a determined tone. “Because we don’t want to lose another friend.”

Their overprotectiveness carried on for several weeks. One of them would always be home to keep Taehyun company, and they’d constantly let him know that he could talk to them whenever they wanted. They'd assign themselves to be his talk-buddies every few days, and would stick to him like glue until it was someone else's turn to be the talk-buddy.

At the beginning, Taehyun didn’t want to accept that he was potentially a schizophrenic. But, after seeing Beomgyu disappear from where he was standing one too many times, he’d finally broken down and accepted that the love of his life really had gone.

That week had been absolutely miserable for everyone in the house. Taehyun would scream, throw things, and then suddenly dissolve into tears at the most random times. Then came the period where all the emotion seemed to have been sucked out of him, and he’d wandered around the house, as listless as a ghost. Soobin, Yeonjun and Hueningkai begged him to accept treatment, but every time he still refused. Two months after Beomgyu’s death, Taehyun's condition was worse than ever.

  
His friends couldn't get him to talk, to sleep, to eat. He would randomly appear in doorways, before abruptly leaving. He didn't smile, didn't cry, didn't say a word. Once, Soobin found Taehyun sitting in the middle of his room, staring at the wall. He'd tried to get the younger to go to bed, but Taehyun just shook his head and resumed glaring at the white structure. In the mornings, his hyung would smile and offer him food, even though they knew full well he'd only have a tiny bite before not touching it again. They still tried to pretend everything was fine.

His friends tip-toed around the subject of how emotionless Taehyun was being, pretending everything was still going okay. But there was only so long they could pretend.

\-----

One day, Yeonjun snapped. He was tired of seeing his friend wander aimlessly about the house, devoid of any emotion. That day had been particularly stressful, since Taehyun hadn’t slept for the past few days and even refused to eat anything for breakfast or lunch. It was only after copious amounts of coaxing and wheedling that Hueningkai had managed to convince Taehyun to eat some fruit.

Yeonjun slammed his hands down on the table, where Taehyun was meekly picking at some strawberries. The boy flinched, but didn’t lift his eyes from the seed-studded fruit.  
“Taehyun. Let me book you an appointment.”  
“No.”  
Yeonjun sucked in a breath. He wasn’t expecting such an abrupt answer. He tried again.  
“Come on, Hyun, you’re obviously not getting any better.”  
“No.” Taehyun’s hands clutched the fork tight, fist trembling from the pressure.  
"Taehyun, look at you! You're like a ghost. If you get treated, it'll get better, I promise."  
"Yeonjun," Taehyun said quietly- too quietly, as Yeonjun didn't hear him and carried on.  
"Just, accept the treatment. Please. Let them make you better. You're wasting away by refusing help. Look! You're so thin, your skin is literally like paper, and you can barely eat. Come on."  
Taehyun let the fork clatter out of his hands and into the bowl. He looked up, and Yeonjun startled when he realised his eyes were brimming with tears.  
“Taehyun, please, just let us help you-”  
“I said no, hyung. Stop pressuring me! Please, just leave.” The tears were now pouring out of his eyes, thick and fast.

Yeonjun frowned worriedly. “I- this is not healthy. Let me call the hosp-”  
“No, don’t,” Taehyun had sobbed, hands pressed firmly against his eyes to try and stem the furious flow of his tears. “I- I don’t want them.”  
Yeonjun tried again. “Taehyun-”  
Soobin and Hueningkai suddenly ran into the room. Soobin and put up a hand, effectively silencing Yeonjun. “Hyung, stop.” Then he turned to Taehyun, placing a hand on his shaking shoulder. “It’s okay, Taehyun. You just come to us when you’re ready.” He nodded to Hueningkai. “Hyuka, stay with him. Make sure he’s okay.”

Soobin took Yeonjun out of the room, and stared at him disapprovingly. Yeonjun stared back at him, then realised what he’d just done. Soobin pinched the bridge of his nose.  
He began, “Hyung-”  
“I know, I know,” Yeonjun sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I shouldn’t have forced it upon him like that.” He lightly slapped his cheek. "That was stupid of me. I was so, so dumb. And senseless. I should have realised how stressed he was getting by me going on like that. Oh… I feel really bad now."  
Soobin sighed too. “I know you mean well, hyung. But that really wasn't the right way to go about talking to him at all." Yeonjun hung his head as Soobin stared him down. Soobin carried on, "There’s no point in forcing him to accept treatment. His condition isn’t life-threatening at the moment, so there’s no hurry.”  
“But there is hurry, Binnie,” Yeonjun said, looking up and holding both of Soobin’s hands in his own. “It… It breaks my heart to see Taehyun like this. He’s not like himself. And his condition could turn life-threatening at any moment, Soobin. You know that.”  
“It breaks my heart to see him like this as well, hyung,” Soobin said softly, drawing Yeonjun in for a hug. “But yelling at him to accept help isn’t going to make things any better.”  
“I know,” came Yeonjun’s muffled voice. There was silence for a bit, then he spoke again. “So would it be best to leave him alone?”  
“I think that’s the best option we have right now, hyung,” Soobin replied. “Hueningkai’s gonna be his talk-buddy for the next few days. Who knows? Maybe he’ll find a way to convince Taehyun to get treated.”

Meanwhile, Hueningkai silently handed Taehyun tissues as the blond cried. He didn't say anything, and just sat by Taehyun, not uttering a word. Every time Taehyun used up a tissue, Hueningkai would tear another one out of the box and offer it to him.  
“Do you think I’m sick, Hyuka?” Taehyun mumbled, blowing his nose on yet another tissue Hueningkai had given him. The younger boy sat there thoughtfully, watching as Taehyun took another tissue to dab at his red eyes.  
“I don’t know, Taehyunnie,” he said at last. “Sure, you think you can see Beomgyu-hyung, and you’ve shown no emotions over the past week, and yeah, maybe that’s not normal. But then again, no one is normal, so perhaps it’s not that bad.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah. Everyone’s a bit off their rocker in one way or another, and you just happen to be able to see Beomgyu. It’s okay.”  
Through teary eyes, Taehyun looked up at Hueningkai and smiled. He patted the younger’s hand. “When did you become so wise?”

Hueningkai smiled sadly at Taehyun. “When I had to watch my smartest friend be reduced to nothing but a shell of what they once were.” He placed his hand on top of Taehyun’s, and smiled just a little bit brighter. “But it’s okay! Becoming wise is part of growing up, isn’t it? And people change. That's a given in life. Now, let’s not talk about such depressing matters. Do you have any games in your house? ‘Cause I’ve been searching for weeks and all I found were these playing cards.”  
Taehyun grinned at his best friend, the tears now drying around his eyes. “Wait, let me show you a trick with the cards first.”

Okay, but get this.

When Soobin had been his buddy, there’d been an uncomfortable air of ‘must protect Taehyun from himself at all costs’. There’d been a lot of soft conversations, with concerned glances and quiet offers of help. Yeah, it had made him feel comforted that he knew Soobin would be there for him, but it also made him frustrated at how he was being treated like a sick little child.

When Yeonjun had been his buddy, Taehyun suddenly became stressed all the time. Yeonjun always had a big presence. One couldn’t help but notice him. And with all of his attention on Taehyun, it made him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. This wasn’t Yeonjun’s fault- he couldn’t help being the way he was- but it still had Taehyun feel on edge for the whole time Yeonjun had been his buddy.

With Hueningkai as his buddy… those days were probably the most normal Taehyun felt since the police came to his door. They’d just talk about silly things, like what would happen if the world turned into food overnight, or theorised about whether there really were such thing as aliens. They laughed and joked and went about their day as if everything was fine. That was one of the things which made Taehyun appreciate Hueningkai so much. He was gentle and kind but also excitable and fun. He didn’t push Taehyun to talk about things that he didn’t want to, instead opting to let Taehyun talk when he was ready.

And the day that Taehyun was ready to talk came.

“Hueningkai,” Taehyun said hesitantly as the younger sat down beside him on the sofa.  
“Yeah?” Hueningkai handed Taehyun a cookie, stuffing one in his mouth as well. He accepted it, but just stared at it in his hands.  
“I just… I want to say thank you, for not forcing me to talk about the… sickness. When I was with Yeonjun-hyung, and Soobin-hyung, they never mentioned it, but the implications of it always hung in the air. You never, ever treated me differently. You even pretended it didn't exist, and I'm thankful for that."  
Hueningkai smiled, swallowing the mouthful of biscuit he'd had. "I knew you'd feel either resentful or frustrated or annoyed if you were treated differently. That's why I decided it'd be best just to talk to you as Kang Taehyun, my best friend who I’ve known for years.."  
"I'm really grateful you did," Taehyun said earnestly. "And while I appreciate it, I think we might also need to talk about my… condition."  
Instead of looking worried or annoyed, Hueningkai just nodded in agreement.

"Definitely. While it's good to interact normally, we still need to address the things which are definitely not normal." Hueningkai pointed to the cookie which Taehyun was still holding in his hands. “You gonna eat that?”

Taehyun responded by taking a huge bite out of the treat, causing both of them to giggle slightly. Then Hueningkai’s face grew serious, which made Taehyun just a little bit nervous.  
“Wait,” Taehyun said. “Can we- can we ease into the subject please? It’s kind of scary to straight away talk about what might be wrong with me.”

Hueningkai nodded understandingly. “Of course.” He hummed, twiddling his fingers as he thought of a topic to talk about. “Ah! I realised that we haven’t really talked about Beomgyu-hyung much. Even at his funeral, we didn’t talk about him.”  
Taehyun looked around, nibbling on his cookie apprehensively. “You have tissues ready right?”  
Hueningkai patted the box on top of the coffee table. “Right here,” he assured Taehyun. “So, why don’t we talk about the last time we spoke to hyung?”

  
Taehyun missed the cookie and accidentally bit down on his own fingers. He winced and set it down, sucking on his sore fingers. “I don't remember the last time I spoke to hyung. No wait, I do. It was… it was the day the police officer came to the door.”  
Taehyun smiled a little, remembering Beomgyu’s bright, beaming face. “You know how during our lunch breaks the five of us would always meet up to talk? That day, Beomgyu and I had a date. Just a simple one, a quick coffee date in one of the cafes near his workplace. I remember how sunny it was that day, and while I’d complained about the brightness, the whole time I couldn’t stop staring at his face. The sun bathed him in a golden glow, and he looked absolutely beautiful.” Tears pooled into his eyes as he remembered that day. “I remember thinking how lucky I was to have him, and hoping that he’d never disappear.” Taehyun sadly took another bite out of his cookie as a few tears escaped the corners of his clenched eyes. “That thought aged well, didn’t it?” he said bitterly. Hueningkai rubbed his thigh comfortingly.

  
“It’s okay, Taehyunie,” he said. “It hurts, but it’s better to hurt together than alone.”  
Taehyun sniffled, accepting a tissue that Hueningkai offered him. “We talked about the usual fiance things. Wedding plannings, honeymoon plannings, jokes and the simple things in life. At the time, it felt trivial, insignificant- it was just another date out of the many more we thought we’d had.” The tears came faster, and Hueningkai hurriedly handed Taehyun a bunch of tissues. “And then at the end of our lunch break, we parted ways, saying what we always said- ‘I love you, see you soon’.” Taehyun had to stop talking for a few seconds, and close his eyes against the sudden onslaught of memories. The emotions were overwhelming him; a lump was forming in his throat that he just couldn’t will away.

Remembering Beomgyu’s smiling face as he’d bid Taehyun goodbye made his heart ache. He realised just how much he missed Beomgyu- the real Beomgyu, not the ones out of his hallucinations. Taking deep breaths, he opened his eyes again.  
“So yeah, that was the last time I saw him. You know how I always end work earlier than Beomgyu, so I was waiting for him to come home when… when it happened.”  
Hueningkai smiled reassuringly. “At least your last memory of him was happy, wasn’t it?”  
Taehyun dabbed at his eyes. “I suppose so. Why? Is your last memory of him not happy?”  
“Oh, no, it is. But it’s also not-so-happy at the same time.”  
When Taehyun tilted his head in confusion, Hueningkai explained.

“The last time we spoke was over text. A few light conversations, jokes. He said he and I should meet up sometime. It’d been ages since we’d talked, one-on-one. We’d agreed to go get ice cream together, hang out at the park next to our old school.” Hueningkai smiled a bittersweet smile. “The day we’d planned the hangout was the day after the accident.”  
Taehyun felt himself tear up on Hueningkai’s behalf. “Oh… hyung was excited for that as well. He told me how much he was looking forward to hanging out with his favourite dongsaeng. That’s… that’s a real shame, Hyuka.”  
“Yeah, well,” Hueningkai shrugged, attempting to mask the sadness. “Fate is nothing but cruel, right?” He looked up at Taehyun, smiling a wobbly smile. “It’s fine. I just can’t imagine how awful it must have been for you, though.”  
Taehyun peered back at him worriedly. He placed a hand on top of Hueningkai’s, and spoke in a soft tone.  
“It’s okay to show how you really feel, Kai. It’s okay. Don’t pretend you’re fine when you’re really not. I can see how much you’re hurting inside. You don’t have to hide it.”  
Even though Taehyun was the one who was supposed to be mentally unstable, the one who was supposed to need someone to support and take care of him, here he was, offering his own support to his friend, because he saw how much he needed it. He smiled reassuringly. “I’m here for you."

Hueningkai had always been a gentle soul. Gentle, compassionate, and kind. He was also delicate. No, he wasn’t fragile- he wasn’t one of those easy-to-break people, but he was just more delicately built compared to others. Losing one of his dearest hyungs, and almost losing his best friend too… well, it was enough to test even the mental wellbeing of someone as strong as Yeonjun. Poor Hueningkai had had to grow up too fast. He’d had to watch as his little, perfect world suddenly crumbled, and had had to hastily cover his own delicate heart in order to try and fix the broken hearts of his friends.

Those five, small words, those five, tiny syllables, were enough to expose Hueningkai’s delicate heart. Yes, he’d cried the day they’d turned up at Taehyun’s door after hearing the news, but that had been about it. He hadn’t been able to cry after that.

Now, he cried with his whole heart. His whole, gentle, loving heart. He cried for his hyung, who would never live a full life; he cried for his hyung’s family, who would never see their son grow old; he cried for his friends, who would never be able to hear Beomgyu’s bright laugh again; and then he finally cried for himself. He cried because he’d never hear his hyung’s comforting voice, never hear his thoughtful words, never see his fingers dance across the guitar strings, never feel his comforting presence in the world.

He cried for the brotherly moments they’d never have again, and he cried for the jokes and laughs they’d never share again. He cried, poured out all his sadness and grief over the loss of Beomgyu into his tears. He let go of all the pain and devastation he’d experienced from the news of his hyung’s death. He cried because he missed Beomgyu, missed his sunshine-y hyung who would never again grace the earth with his smile. All throughout his tears, all throughout this, Taehyun hugged him close.

Taehyun hugged him tight, wrapping his arms around Hueningkai, holding him as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears.

“Shh… shh… it’s okay, Hyuka. Cry as much as you want. Let it all out,” Taehyun murmured softly, rubbing Hueningkai’s back. “You’ve been so brave. It’s okay. Shh…”  
The sobs wracked his body, and he cried so forcefully that he had trouble breathing for a few moments.  
“I- I shou-ldn’t be cry-crying so mu-uch,” Hueningkai sobbed into Taehyun’s embrace. “Y-you had to su-ffer wo-orse than m-me.”  
“Nonsense,” Taehyun said gently. “You were his friend too. You’re allowed to cry for his death.”  
“B-ut you-ou h-had i-it so mu-uch worse,” Hueningkai hiccuped. “A-and you ne-ever cri-ed like thi-this.”  
“Maybe not, but I have my sickness, don’t I?”  
Hueningkai just cried harder. “I-I feel so-o sorry fo-for you, Tae-Taehyunie.”  
“Shh… It’s okay, Huening-ah. It’s okay.”

They stayed like that for another half an hour or so, until Hueningkai’s tears had slowed a little.  
“I didn’t- I didn’t know how badly you felt,” Taehyun said worriedly as he handed Hueningkai the tissue box. “I should have noticed.”  
“ ‘s not your fault, Taehyun,” Hueningkai sniffled, blowing his nose. “You had too much on your plate already.”  
“My plate is never too full to look after the happiness of my best friend,” Taehyun replied. Hueningkai just shook his head, smiling.  
"You're too caring," he said jokingly. Then his tone grew serious. "Come on, you should focus on yourself."

Taehyun swallowed. "Can I… can I confess something? Promise you won't tell hyungs?"  
"Of course."  
"I- I'm scared of the treatment. I never thought of myself as mentally unwell before, and now being told I'm sick and need to be fixed? It's scary."  
Hueningkai took the half-eaten cookie out of Taehyun’s hands and set it down on the table. “It’s completely understandable to feel scared. It’s okay.” He wrapped his hands around Taehyun’s, gently, to try and soothe their trembling.  
“Look,” Hueningkai said. “I’m going to be honest as well. I really don’t… care if you accept treatment or not. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice for you to be back to your normal self again, but if it scares and worries you that much, it’s okay. We’ll support you whatever you choose to do.” He smiled, holding Taehyun’s hands tight. “Your happiness is the most important thing. Whether you’re sane or not? Pssh. We’re all a little crazy. It’s okay.”

Taehyun began to tear up again, but this time it was out of happiness, not sadness. “Thank you, Hyuka. I- just thank you.”  
“Any time, Taehyunie. Any time.” Hueningkai smiled. He squeezed Taehyun’s hands a little. “But seriously though, it would really benefit you if you let yourself be treated.”  
“I know. I know.” Taehyun took in a deep breath. “Actually, what I wanted to tell you was that… I decided I was going to accept treatment.” He exhaled. The words, when he’d tried to say them before, had stuck in his throat and built up an enormous pressure inside his chest. But now, after he’d actually said them, he realised it wasn’t really that big of a deal. The words which had worried at his mind for days were, he found, simple and almost relieving to say.

It was a simple thing, saying the words, but the promise was so much bigger. It was a promise of, 'I will become stronger', a promise to overcome what had been a dark, hard time in Taehyun's life.

It was with that confession: those tiny, tiny words with their big, big meanings- it was at that time, that Taehyun began to heal.

Life after that seemed to become so much brighter. The dark cloud of stress and worry and fear that had hovered over their lives lessened. When Taehyun had told Yeonjun and Soobin (with Hueningkai there to encourage him), it would be a lie to say that the two eldest hadn't broken down into tears. Tears of happiness and relief, of course.

The road to recovery wasn’t smooth, though. Taehyun knew this. But, for Beomgyu, he’d endure everything- all the pain, all the tears, all the frustration- because he knew the elder would want nothing more than for Taehyun to be well.

Sometimes everything went fine. Taehyun was going to therapy, and had weekly visits from a social worker who came to have tea and chat. They were pleasant; he was never pressed too much to talk about things, and at times they seemed to even like how he'd stay silent. He had his friends, as well. They supported Taehyun every step of the way, reminding him each day that he had them, and he wasn't alone. He had them, and they would never leave.

Sometimes though, the coddling and gentleness became too frustrating to bear.

If Taehyun's patience had been worn thin by the counsellor's patronising tone, he'd lose his cool and start yelling at them. If the social worker attempted to make him drink that weird herbal tea one too many times, he'd storm out of the room in a flare of his temper. If Soobin tried to get him to eat on a day when the medicine's side effects were particularly harsh, he'd snap and push away his friends out of anger.

Other times, when it was really, really terrible and he just couldn't take it anymore, Taehyun would beg his friends to not make him go to therapy. He'd fall against them, tears staining his cheeks, begging them not to make him go back, because _I hate it, please, don't make me go, please, please I hate it, I hate it so much, please_. Soobin would look at Yeonjun and Hueningkai, sigh, but say nothing. The next counselling session, however, Taehyun would always clamber into Yeonjun's car with a sullen face, neither resisting treatment nor willing to eagerly participate in it. And then the cycle would repeat.

It was a hard process. But still, Taehyun's friends stuck by him, and it was probably due to their support that Taehyun managed to heal. And three years after Beomgyu's death, he was better. Not completely the same as he'd been before the life-changing day, but better than he had been for a long time.

\-----

"Kai!" Taehyun laughed, hitting the younger. "Don't sneak up on me! You know the last time Soobin-hyung did that, I almost poked his eyes out with the brush!"

Taehyun's friends had never really moved out of his home. In a way, Taehyun was grateful that they stayed. It would have been lonely to be in the big house all alone.

Hueningkai stuck his tongue out. Taehyun tutted.  
"You're 25 now, yet you still continue to act like a child? This is exactly why Yeonjun-hyung won't let you drive round his car when you ask him to."

It was three years after Beomgyu's death, and life had gone on. Sure, it hurt at first, but the sharp stab of pain eventually numbed to a dull, throbbing ache. It would never go away, because their memory of Beomgyu could never go away, but they learned to live with it.

"Hmph! Like he lets you drive it around!"  
"You know it's because he's afraid I'll have another hallucination and crash the car. You, on the other hand, are just a walking disaster."  
"Hey! I'm 25 you know!"  
"Yeah, but you're still 15 at heart."  
Hueningkai grinned. "Yeah, and so are you." He looked around, spotting at the half-painted canvas propped up on the other side of the art studio. "Another painting of Beomgyu, I see?"  
Taehyun covered the painting with the black cloth. "Oh, shut up. He was my fiance, I'm allowed to paint him. Besides, it's actually a painting of all of us. It's not finished yet."  
"Aren't you glad they recommend art therapy to you? Yet another good thing that came out of those sessions."  
"Yes, because pushing a brush along a canvas saved my life," Taehyun stated sarcastically.  
"Yeah well, it did, didn't it?"  
"...Okay yeah, but that's not the point!"

Ever since his counsellor had mentioned art therapy to help him heal, Taehyun hadn't stopped painting, even after his treatment ended. He found that expressing his feelings through colours and paints helped relieve him from all his stress and worries. At first, though his understanding of shades and tones were not the best, he persevered and now looked proudly at all the canvases of his work displayed all over the rooms of the house. They were far from what someone like Picasso or Turner could do, but they were his own work and in his opinion they were perfect masterpieces.

"Anyway," he said, smiling at Kai. "Was there anything you needed?"  
"Nah, just wanted to bother you."  
Hueningkai cackled as Taehyun jabbed him with the end of a paintbrush.  
"You- annoying- brat!" Taehyun said, punctuating every word with a jab at Hueningkai's abdomen. "Go! Shoo! This painting needs to be finished in time for his death anniversary!"  
"Okay, okay," Hueningkai laughed, retreating. "I'm going! Oh, hi Yeonjun-hyung. Yes, Taehyun! I'm going!"  
Yeonjun was leaning against the doorway, smiling at the two bickering 25 year-olds.  
"Hey Taehyun," he said, walking in and ruffling the other's hair. "How're you doing?"  
Taehyun looked at him strangely. "You ask me that like we literally do not live together."  
"Ouch," Yeonjun laughed, putting his hands into his pockets. "Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to visit Gyu's grave. His death anniversary is coming up, and I can drive you there if you want."  
"Oh, I thought you were taking Soobin on another date," Taehyun said, blinking innocently up at Yeonjun.  
"Soobin is visiting his parents and has been away for the past three days. You know that," Yeonjun scolded, flicking Taehyun's forehead playfully. "So do you want me to take you or not?"  
"Yes please," Taehyun said, standing up and wiping his hands on his apron. "I'll go get dressed into something more presentable."  
"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called. "It's getting dark earlier than usual since it's winter, and we should go there before the sun goes down."

\-----

They reached the cemetery as the sun was low in the sky, bruising the sky with its gentle blue hue. As Taehyun undid his seatbelt, he noticed that Yeonjun wasn't coming out.  
"Hmm? Hyung, aren't you coming?"  
"I- I came yesterday." Yeonjun said shortly, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. Taehyun's heart melted with sympathy. Even after all these years, it seemed Yeonjun was still hurt. He patted the elder's hand.  
"It's okay, hyung. I'll go then."  
"Don't be too long!" Yeonjun called after him. Taehyun gave him a thumbs up without looking back.

Hands deep inside his coat pockets, he trudged along the snow-edged paths. When he reached Beomgyu's gravestone, he buried his cold nose deeper into his scarf and sighed. He leaned down to touch the cold granite. Gently, he traced the carved letters, smiling to himself.  
"Oh, Beomgyu," he said aloud to the chilly winter air. "You were too young to die." Before, the words would have been said with devastating hopelessness. Now, Taehyun uttered them with a joking smile on his face, only a hint of sadness tainting the edges of his lips. A breeze whipped itself through Taehyun's hair and he looked up to see Beomgyu standing there.

He startled a little, taking an involuntary step back. It had been a while since he'd last had a hallucination. The figure smiled, and silently looked at Taehyun. The younger was unfazed by the hallucination- he knew how to deal with them now. But at that moment, he decided it would be nice to talk to Beomgyu - even if this Beomgyu was just a figment of his imagination - one last time.

"It's been ages, hasn't it, Gyu?" Taehyun said, looking back down at the gravestone. Beomgyu looked sadly down at it as well. Taehyun swallowed, and raised his eyes. "... I miss you."

Beomgyu smiled a little forlornly, and reached over to pat Taehyun's shoulder.

Taehyun carried on, "During the early days, I couldn't even properly mourn because of my illness. And then, I couldn't visit your grave for ages because they said it might trigger the hallucinations to come again." He chuckled. "Guess they were right. This is the first 'vision' I've had in ages, did you know that hyung?" Beomgyu's eyes sparkled as he gazed at the younger. "Anyway, it was only really a few months ago that everything became sort of normal."  
Taehyun kicked at the snow. "And I miss you, hyung. I really miss you." He looked up to find Beomgyu giving him a fond look. He smiled back. "But you know. In a garden, one always picks the most beautiful flowers first, right? And besides, I'm doing okay now. I miss you still, so much, but life is full of ups and downs. This was a really big down, but you know…everything happens for the better or worse, and we just have to deal with it.”

They stood there in silence, both of them looking down at the gravestone.  
"I just- I can't believe that you're really gone," Taehyun said to himself, feeling tears build up behind his eyes. He quickly wiped them away, taking a few breaths before smiling at Beomgyu.  
"I shouldn't cry," he said, trying to laugh a little. "I came here to say goodbye, after all." He nudged Beomgyu. "And I know you never liked goodbyes to be sad."  
More silence swept through the cemetery, and this time it was a heavier one. The sky was growing darker, and Taehyun knew he'd have to say goodbye. He was reluctant to say the first farewell, and this must have been evident on his face. The elder turned to him and gently touched his nose to Taehyun's. Beomgyu's eyes were sympathetic and kind, with a look of 'it's time' in them. _I love you, Taehyun darling._

Taehyun sighed, knowing the time had come. He stood up on his tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss onto Beomgyu's dark hair.  
"I love you too, darling. Always," he murmured.

Then he closed his eyes and squeezed his fists tight so his nails dug into his palms, just like the psychiatrist had taught him to. When he opened his eyes, Beomgyu was gone. And yet, it didn't hurt Taehyun's heart as much as it used to, when he first saw Beomgyu disappear. He knew that the elder was still with him, inside his heart.

Taehyun gazed at the granite engraving of his love's name, before turning around and walking away. He looked up towards the sky, and sent his thanks to any god that may be out there. He thanked them for letting him have Beomgyu in his life, because, although he may not have had him forever, the moments they shared would be treasured by him until the end of time.

Blue hour faded as Taehyun walked out of the cemetery, and while his eyes were heavy with unshed tears, his heart was light with happiness- and love.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaa thank you for reading!! This is my first au on AO3 and I was really nervous to post it but,,, here it is! I have not had any sort of experience with mental illnesses, but I have done my absolute best to make my account of it as accurate as possible. This is like one of the first times I've ever published my work online, and I'd love to hear any feedback you have so I can improve my writing in the future!
> 
> If this story seems familiar to you, it's because it's on twt [here](https://twitter.com/a_blue_secret/status/1346043494335455235?s=19) and on tumblr [here](https://a-blue-secret.tumblr.com/post/640673514321477632/genres-non-idol-au-taegyu-are-fiances-yeonbin) ! Also pls talk to me on twitter all of my moots are famous and don't have time to talk to me :(
> 
> Hoping to see you in another one of my fics that I might upload sometime!! Please comment and leave kudos here too! Love you <3


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